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Post by scott on Sept 25, 2018 17:21:34 GMT
One from the old Soviet Union...
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him. When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Sept 26, 2018 2:53:51 GMT
A lion was becoming rather old and slow and was having trouble catching prey. He decided he needed a disguise so that other animals would not know he was a lion and would therefore not run away.
So he went into a fancy dress shop and bought a gorilla suit. He then headed for a watering hole to see if he could catch something with his cunning disguise. On the way to the hole, he came across two eagles sitting on a rock.
One eagle said: “Hi, Mr Lion.”
The other eagle said: “Where did you get the gorilla suit?”
The lion was devastated. “How did you know I was a lion?” he asked.
The eagles then started to sing: “You can’t hide your lion eyes . . .”
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Post by scott on Sept 27, 2018 13:01:34 GMT
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.
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Post by scott on Sept 28, 2018 16:30:16 GMT
Mister Mxyzptlk robs a bank.
It's a really high profile case, so the chief is all over the lead detective, calling him every few minutes for updates. The detective reviews the security footage and recognizes Mister Mxyzptlk. Not three seconds later the phone rings.
"Detective! I've got the mayor all over my butt on this one! Do we have a suspect yet!?"
"Well, it's hard to say..."
(In case you're wondering, Mister Mxyzptlk was a character in Superman comic books in the 60s. Might still be for all I know.)
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Post by scott on Sept 29, 2018 13:45:59 GMT
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “IT'S BURNING!!, IT'S BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scalding hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
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Post by scott on Sept 30, 2018 12:18:16 GMT
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
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Post by scott on Oct 1, 2018 14:54:50 GMT
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a Beagle?
A hot diggity Dog.
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Post by scott on Oct 2, 2018 10:50:38 GMT
In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system.'
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Post by scott on Oct 3, 2018 12:28:50 GMT
Little Johnny comes to class with a swollen nose..
Teacher, " What happened ?"
Little Johnny, "I tried to smell a brose."
Teacher, " There is no 'b' in a rose."
Little Johnny, "Well there was one in the one I smelled."
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Post by scott on Oct 4, 2018 14:29:54 GMT
I used to be afraid of pretty girls...
Then my Mom explained that I was silly because they're much more afraid of me.
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Post by scott on Oct 5, 2018 14:16:52 GMT
You need a Boston accent for this one.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 5, 2018 14:21:48 GMT
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 5, 2018 14:32:42 GMT
A dyslexic poet writes inverse.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 5, 2018 15:35:56 GMT
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Post by scott on Oct 6, 2018 22:27:17 GMT
Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. By mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
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