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Post by scott on Oct 8, 2018 12:05:29 GMT
What is the difference between knowledge and wisdom?
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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Post by scott on Oct 10, 2018 14:34:30 GMT
A woman sent two ties to her son in law.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.
The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.
Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 11, 2018 0:00:39 GMT
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Post by scott on Oct 12, 2018 14:17:28 GMT
I was hacked by Russia.
Edit: I no hacked by Russia. Motherland do no such thing. Have nice day.
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Post by scott on Oct 13, 2018 17:19:22 GMT
When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.
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Post by scott on Oct 15, 2018 17:11:48 GMT
You need to be from Boston to understand.
The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence. Like in high school I never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 19, 2018 16:21:19 GMT
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
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Post by scott on Oct 20, 2018 12:13:12 GMT
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.
A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
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Post by scott on Oct 21, 2018 23:17:55 GMT
What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?
A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
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Post by scott on Oct 22, 2018 13:46:26 GMT
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
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Post by scott on Oct 23, 2018 16:45:38 GMT
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history.
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
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Post by scott on Oct 25, 2018 17:09:23 GMT
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
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Post by scott on Oct 26, 2018 18:17:34 GMT
My mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much... I said, “Oh, yeah!? Just you wait!"
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Post by scott on Oct 27, 2018 13:23:53 GMT
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Dogfish Head sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Dogfish Head?" The Dogfish Head president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Post by scott on Oct 28, 2018 13:16:59 GMT
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
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