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Post by scott on Nov 19, 2018 15:10:56 GMT
Hmmmm. Can't argue with this logic.
If people pay to go see a comedian...
Aren't all their jokes at the audience's expense?
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Post by scott on Nov 20, 2018 21:10:59 GMT
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted.
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Post by scott on Nov 21, 2018 14:57:05 GMT
One day an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Post by scott on Nov 22, 2018 15:58:03 GMT
Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?
Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.
I'll see myself out.
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Post by scott on Nov 22, 2018 16:03:24 GMT
Bonus T-day joke.
For all the single guys my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo, who likes you, then marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions and to stick with them.
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Post by scott on Nov 23, 2018 13:05:43 GMT
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.
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Post by scott on Nov 24, 2018 13:59:14 GMT
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control.
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Post by scott on Nov 26, 2018 13:13:31 GMT
I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?"
I replied, "A harp!"
Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"
"Are you calling me a lyre?!"
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Post by scott on Nov 27, 2018 12:47:50 GMT
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"
The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi."
"Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side."
God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"
The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber."
God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side."
God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you --"
The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
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Post by scott on Nov 29, 2018 19:53:52 GMT
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests., "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter., "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
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Post by scott on Dec 1, 2018 12:21:10 GMT
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc!
Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 1, 2018 12:31:12 GMT
Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A Do you smell carrots?
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Post by scott on Dec 2, 2018 13:31:51 GMT
What did the fan of Lawrence Welk name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
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Post by scott on Dec 4, 2018 12:49:22 GMT
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.
"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."
"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
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Post by scott on Dec 5, 2018 12:23:26 GMT
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."
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