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Post by scott on Oct 31, 2018 22:50:34 GMT
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
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Post by scott on Nov 5, 2018 15:02:26 GMT
I pointed to 2 old drunks sitting across from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years"
He said,"That's a mirror, idiot!"
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Post by scott on Nov 6, 2018 15:19:39 GMT
I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it ”Letter Rip”
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Post by scott on Nov 7, 2018 14:36:45 GMT
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
Grandpa: "This is my hip replacement."
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Post by scott on Nov 8, 2018 17:45:46 GMT
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.
"Hmm, Yes it is"
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
The minister just nods.
A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion.
He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says
"You see that bridge over there?"
The AP replies "No"
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Post by scott on Nov 10, 2018 16:36:55 GMT
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 11, 2018 12:01:19 GMT
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
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Post by scott on Nov 11, 2018 22:15:17 GMT
At the maternity ward a new father, worried, asks the midwife, "Do you think my son looks like me ?"
"Yes, but don't worry, the important thing is that he is in good health"
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Post by scott on Nov 13, 2018 15:03:38 GMT
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 13, 2018 15:21:30 GMT
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 13, 2018 19:01:18 GMT
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Post by scott on Nov 14, 2018 19:59:37 GMT
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.
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Post by scott on Nov 16, 2018 21:39:03 GMT
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
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Post by scott on Nov 17, 2018 21:11:33 GMT
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
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Post by scott on Nov 18, 2018 18:58:44 GMT
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face.
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