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Post by scott on Jan 19, 2021 21:45:41 GMT
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
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Post by scott on Jan 22, 2021 15:18:49 GMT
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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Post by scott on Jan 23, 2021 15:39:16 GMT
The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.
Putin: Why?
Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.
Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.
Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 29, 2021 21:46:25 GMT
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
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Post by scott on Jan 31, 2021 14:56:08 GMT
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?" The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
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Post by scott on Jan 31, 2021 14:58:15 GMT
What is a "Karen" called in Europe?
An American.
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Post by scott on Feb 2, 2021 17:55:21 GMT
From an 8 year old...
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too
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Post by scott on Feb 10, 2021 15:56:44 GMT
May be a repost. I forget.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
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Post by scott on Feb 15, 2021 16:37:54 GMT
Told by a seven year old...
I lost our Dalmation Puppy
Lucky for me, she was spotted
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Post by barb43 on Feb 15, 2021 16:48:30 GMT
May be a repost. I forget. John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved. The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." Tomorrow being Fat Tuesday, and the next day being Ash Wednesday, this joke really fits the season.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Feb 15, 2021 17:16:30 GMT
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany?
The wurst-kase scenario.
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Post by scott on Feb 18, 2021 17:29:20 GMT
How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon double cheeseburger?
Only one if nobody is looking.
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Post by scott on Feb 19, 2021 16:11:50 GMT
Too soon?
Some Yankee had the audacity to say us Texans are dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless his heart.
We may not have as much experience as Yankees when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
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Post by scott on Feb 21, 2021 15:24:24 GMT
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 5, 2021 20:05:16 GMT
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