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Post by scott on Jul 2, 2020 13:29:46 GMT
<OUCH>
A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.
The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or laying down.
Pointing to a tiny bunny in the corner, the employee says, “This one is a mini Rex, they are calm and quiet and a good choice for owners who are also calm in nature.” Moving on, she points at another bunny who is moving about happily and says, “This Polish is cuddly and affectionate if you are wanting a bunny to hold and cuddle often!” The employee smiles at the little girl and they move onto another bright-eyed bunny munching sweetly on a bit of lettuce. “This one here is a Californian! He’s a little shy but with a gentle handler he will really warm up to being held after some time passes.”
“So,” says the employee, “What do you think? Do you think one of these will work for you or should I show you a few more?”
The little girl gives a shrug and says, “I don’t think my snake really cares”.
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Post by scott on Jul 3, 2020 21:09:46 GMT
Old man: I love my job
Young boy: all you do is round up sheep
Old man: what did you say to me?
Young boy: you herd
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Post by scott on Jul 5, 2020 0:43:53 GMT
I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl
After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inaccuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.
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Post by scott on Jul 7, 2020 15:01:18 GMT
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”
“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
“Didn't know how fast you could walk".
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Post by scott on Jul 8, 2020 22:53:01 GMT
Three of four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition. After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, “ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!” All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below. The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares, “That’s still two against three!”
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Post by scott on Jul 13, 2020 23:36:01 GMT
I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!
When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...
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Post by scott on Jul 15, 2020 14:00:13 GMT
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig
The letter F
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Post by scott on Jul 16, 2020 23:06:30 GMT
Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?
Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
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Post by scott on Jul 19, 2020 14:24:41 GMT
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
"How is she?", I asked.
"Very critical", replied the officer.
"What on Earth is she complaining about now?"
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Post by scott on Jul 20, 2020 20:06:28 GMT
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had been seeing two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add insult to the injury, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
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Post by scott on Jul 22, 2020 21:02:11 GMT
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?
To the I-C-U
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Post by scott on Jul 25, 2020 10:26:40 GMT
9 out of 10 dentists agree...
That the one other dentist is terrible at his job.
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Post by scott on Jul 28, 2020 18:44:06 GMT
In Greek mythology, Chiron is half horse, half man, as well as an accomplished healer....
This makes him the Centaur for Disease Control.
<I'll see myself out>
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jul 28, 2020 20:34:14 GMT
How do you organize party for an astronomer?
You planet.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jul 29, 2020 15:30:15 GMT
I had to get a new pair of scissors today.
The old ones just weren’t cutting it.
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