|
Post by scott on May 27, 2020 12:10:48 GMT
One for the kids.
Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed.
|
|
|
Post by scott on May 28, 2020 13:13:11 GMT
I hope this isn't too risque for here.
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head."
|
|
|
Post by scott on May 30, 2020 14:44:04 GMT
William Shakespeare sitting at his desk deciding which pencil to use to write Hamlet... 2B or not 2B?
|
|
|
Post by scott on May 31, 2020 22:20:48 GMT
What is the dog version of "if it fits I sits"?
"If it throws I goes"
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 2, 2020 12:23:39 GMT
What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?
3 different answers
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 3, 2020 12:58:12 GMT
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, bought another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 7, 2020 16:11:34 GMT
Three guys interviewing to be a detective.
The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"
He calls them into his office one by one.
The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognizable.
The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd"
After a minute, the man is done.
The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear".
The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought... ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!"
The second guy is called in and given the same challenge.
After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye"
Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!"
The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer"
5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses"
The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in.
A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?"
Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 10, 2020 12:44:55 GMT
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 11, 2020 13:55:43 GMT
A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 12, 2020 15:25:57 GMT
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 15, 2020 20:29:02 GMT
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh"
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign"
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 18, 2020 17:56:38 GMT
“If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
“One quarter." answered little Johnny.
“You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 27, 2020 13:27:54 GMT
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight
Sir Render
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 28, 2020 15:48:39 GMT
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
|
|
|
Post by scott on Jun 30, 2020 14:16:58 GMT
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife
"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!
The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter of twelve."
|
|