|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Feb 26, 2020 16:11:05 GMT
|
|
|
Post by scott on Feb 27, 2020 15:10:39 GMT
An oldie but goodie. May be a repost.
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Idiot, get in."
|
|
|
Post by scott on Feb 28, 2020 19:17:36 GMT
My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.
No wonder I hate myself.
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 3, 2020 17:39:33 GMT
If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...
Electricians are delighted
Corpses are decrypted
Cowboys are deranged
Models are deposed
Underwear models are debriefed
Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted
Jilted women are debrided
HVAC technicians are deducted
Tennis linemen are defaulted
Florists are deflowered
Students are detested
Hostels are debunked
Spies are debugged and detailed
Corporations are deformed and delimited
Celibate people are delayed
Chauffeurs are derided
Record keepers are described
Plumbers are dethroned
Clerks are defiled
Traffic cops are defined
Naturists are denuded
Election officials are devoted
Accountants are decertified
Builders are deconstructed
Confused people are demystified
Intelligence officials are declassified
Interpreters for the deaf are designed
Road builders are degraded
Waiters are deserved
Horses put out to stud are desired
Castles are demoted
Organ donors are delivered
Anything certain is depending
And if you found this funny, you're probably demented, defective and in denial
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 3, 2020 17:42:19 GMT
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 7, 2020 20:09:43 GMT
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 14, 2020 16:37:13 GMT
What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?
Rawmen.
<boo> <hiss>
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 14, 2020 16:48:58 GMT
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 14, 2020 16:52:41 GMT
Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.
Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 15, 2020 11:52:13 GMT
What do you call a deacon, a priest, and a bishop asking for food at a restaurant?
Holy Orders!
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 15, 2020 19:45:14 GMT
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 19, 2020 12:14:02 GMT
My son, who IS a guitarist, didn't laugh at this one. Wrong type of guitarist I guess!
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 20, 2020 12:00:18 GMT
Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close.
My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes. He has been gone since 1983.
|
|
|
Post by M. Hawbaker on Mar 20, 2020 23:29:19 GMT
During the delivery of his Sunday morning sermon, the pastor observed that a parishioner had fallen asleep. He stopped his sermon and addressed the parishioners wife, “Mrs. Smith, will you please wake your husband?” The very indignant Mrs. Smith responded, “l certainly will not. You put him to sleep. You wake him,”
|
|
|
Post by scott on Mar 21, 2020 23:00:48 GMT
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying a large bag of Blue Buffalo dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Blue Buffalo diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 28 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Blue Buffalo nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Walmart.
|
|