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Post by scott on Jan 22, 2020 19:39:49 GMT
Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your report card, my boy?
Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it tomorrow.
Dad: Why?
Tom: I loaned it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 23, 2020 12:18:50 GMT
A guy was stopped every night on his way out of the factory he worked in, and the security guard would thoroughly inspect under the tarpaulin covering the wheelbarrow he was pushing, only to find nothing there. Finally the guy retired, and the security guard stopped him as he left the factory for the final time. “Tell me,” said the security guard, “you’ve nothing to lose now. What on earth have you been stealing for the last 20 years?” The guy smiled and said: “Wheelbarrows and tarpaulins, mate.”
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Post by scott on Jan 27, 2020 12:25:41 GMT
A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?
The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.
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Post by scott on Jan 28, 2020 12:42:22 GMT
One for the kids.
What starts with the letter P and has a gozillion letters in it?
POST OFFICE
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Post by scott on Jan 30, 2020 16:29:24 GMT
Why didn't the apple and orange get married?
Because fruit cantaloupe.
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Post by scott on Feb 1, 2020 17:52:44 GMT
I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?
Then it hit me.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Feb 9, 2020 2:22:02 GMT
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know”
One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?”
God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone”
The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
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Post by scott on Feb 13, 2020 15:18:56 GMT
We haven't had a groaner for awhile...
Two surgeons are in an operating room,one has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”
The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”
The second surgeon replies “suture self”
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Post by scott on Feb 14, 2020 13:31:50 GMT
A university student was sent to help increase the production of apples in a village.
He went there and met a farmer. He pointed at a tree and asked,"Is that tree yours?"
The farmer said,"yes."
The student asked,"How much apple did you get from that tree last year?"
The farmer replied,"Not a single one."
The student happily said,"I knew it. The soil is of very poor quality. You have to use at least 5 types of fertilizers and artificial hormones. Also use pesticides and herbicides when needed. After a year, I am sure you will get many apples from that tree."
The farmer listened to him carefully, and then said," I am sure I won't get a single apple from that tree after using all these."
The student asked,"Why?"
The farmer replied," Because that is an apricot tree."
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Post by scott on Feb 16, 2020 13:42:57 GMT
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
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Post by scott on Feb 19, 2020 18:18:29 GMT
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.
"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."
The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer.
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed.
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed.
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
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Post by scott on Feb 20, 2020 15:41:23 GMT
How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But fifteen others to write a report about surviving in darkness.
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Post by scott on Feb 22, 2020 14:47:07 GMT
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
The American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”
The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘General Secretary, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Feb 24, 2020 20:09:54 GMT
I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
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Post by scott on Feb 26, 2020 15:02:49 GMT
<groan> in advance.
A man is walking through the woods when he stumbles on a suitcase with some puppies inside
He calls up the local veterinary clinic to ask for advice.
"Hi, I was walking through the woods and I found a closed suitcase, when I opened it there were 5 little puppies inside" said the man
"Oh no, that's horrible. Are they moving?" Asks the receptionist
"I'm not sure" replies the man "but it would explain the suitcase"
Bada boom, bada bing!
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