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Post by scott on Jan 4, 2020 14:04:39 GMT
There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
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Post by scott on Jan 6, 2020 0:12:26 GMT
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free candy.
“Grab a hand full of candy", the merchant said to the boy.
The boy just stood there looking up at his father.
The owner repeated himself, “Son get a hand full of candy it’s free.”
Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father.
Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of candy and gave it to his son.
As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy.
The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said, "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine."
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Post by scott on Jan 7, 2020 14:17:41 GMT
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
“Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed.
“We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 8, 2020 14:27:25 GMT
Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones, and Mr. Brown are patiently waiting outside the delivery room in the hospital for the good news of the birth of their first child. A chaplain is also waiting nearby, when a nurse comes out and calls for Mr. Smith.
"Mr. Smith... congratulations, you have twins!"
The delighted Mr. Smith replies, "That's great! Hey, what a coincidence: I work for the Minnesota Twins."
Soon another nurse comes out with an announcement for Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones... congratulations on the birth of your first three children: you have triplets!"
The delighted Mr. Jones replies, "Wow, that's kind of amazing! The last guy worked for the Twins and had twins. I had triplets, and I work for Triple A."
Just then Mr. Brown turns ghostly white and makes a running leap for the door. Worried, the chaplain stops him first.
"Son... why are you leaving like this while your wife is in having your child?"
"Because! The first man works for the Twins and had twins, and the second man works for Triple A and had triplets," Mr. Brown replies. "I work for 7-Eleven."
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Post by scott on Jan 9, 2020 14:38:28 GMT
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Post by scott on Jan 10, 2020 22:22:50 GMT
An old English gentleman is sitting in his study.
Suddenly his butler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."
"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"
The butler bows himself out and then comes in again:
"Sir, Flash flood, the river is..."
But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!"
James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states.
"Sir, it is my very great honor to introduce to you the river Thames"
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Post by scott on Jan 11, 2020 23:43:10 GMT
We haven't had a groaner for awhile.
I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.
But graphing is where I draw the line!
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Post by scott on Jan 12, 2020 21:10:03 GMT
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
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Post by scott on Jan 13, 2020 12:52:45 GMT
I'm reading a horror story in braille.
Something terrible is about to happen... I can feel it...
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Post by scott on Jan 14, 2020 14:01:23 GMT
What do you give to a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
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Post by scott on Jan 15, 2020 16:24:48 GMT
An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time,
She sat at the bar in front of the bar tender,
A guy at her left side ordered : "Jack Daniels , Single"
A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker , Single"
The bar tender looked at the lady and asked : "And you..?"
The lady replied : "Amara Singh , Married"
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Post by scott on Jan 17, 2020 16:07:39 GMT
Who was the first Jedi?
Isaac Newton, he's the one who discovered the Force.
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Post by scott on Jan 18, 2020 21:15:42 GMT
Two guys were born on the same day...
...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 30, one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have thick steaks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 60, the one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have a low sodium menu and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.
When they turned 80, one said, "let's go to the Sunset Grill. They have handicap parking and a beautiful view of the ocean." They agreed and had dinner.
When they turned 90, one of the men said "why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? We've never been there before!"
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Post by scott on Jan 19, 2020 15:40:31 GMT
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Post by scott on Jan 20, 2020 15:53:31 GMT
Wanna hear a great cat joke?
Just kitten. I don't have one.
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