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Post by scott on Dec 2, 2019 14:14:02 GMT
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms and it hertz alot.
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Post by scott on Dec 4, 2019 23:35:00 GMT
Groaner
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
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Post by scott on Dec 7, 2019 14:46:01 GMT
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them idiots."
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 7, 2019 15:35:33 GMT
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Post by scott on Dec 9, 2019 12:19:32 GMT
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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Post by scott on Dec 11, 2019 18:19:59 GMT
What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your house back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back, and you get out of jail.
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Post by scott on Dec 13, 2019 14:29:54 GMT
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off seven times on the way home.
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Post by scott on Dec 16, 2019 13:00:00 GMT
One for the middle schoolers:
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey!
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Post by scott on Dec 22, 2019 15:54:57 GMT
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 27, 2019 15:36:52 GMT
A guy calls in a plumber when his washing machine breaks down. The plumber arrives, studies the machine, then produces a hammer, and gives it a hefty whack.
The washing machine starts working again and the plumber presents a bill for $100.
"One hundred Dollars?’ says the guy. “All you did was hit it with the hammer! I demand an itemized bill.”
The plumber takes a blank invoice form and completes it: ‘Hitting washing machine with a hammer – $1. Knowing exactly where to hit it – $99.’
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Post by scott on Dec 30, 2019 13:41:26 GMT
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and one plot ?
632 Hallmark movies.
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Post by scott on Dec 31, 2019 13:07:18 GMT
How did Noah see inside of the ark?
With flood lighting!
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 31, 2019 16:29:05 GMT
I can't wait till New Year's Day 2021.
Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.
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Post by scott on Jan 3, 2020 16:37:07 GMT
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!"
He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition".
Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General.
"- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?"
"- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 3, 2020 17:09:28 GMT
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