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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 20, 2019 16:50:25 GMT
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Post by scott on Jan 25, 2019 16:31:58 GMT
My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
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Post by scott on Jan 28, 2019 15:19:14 GMT
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Pardon my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
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Post by scott on Jan 29, 2019 20:40:02 GMT
Why don't Americans use the metric system?
Because they can't stand foreign rulers.
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Post by scott on Jan 31, 2019 13:36:55 GMT
It's so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
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Post by scott on Feb 1, 2019 20:44:48 GMT
An oldie (at least one hundred years old) for the kids.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
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Post by scott on Feb 3, 2019 14:34:21 GMT
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?
Engineer: It is 99.97% safe to cross that bridge.
Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
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Post by scott on Feb 5, 2019 1:01:51 GMT
I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend.
Even the cake was in tiers.
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Post by scott on Feb 5, 2019 13:42:57 GMT
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"
Parents: "Arson?"
Police officer: "Yes, your son"
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Post by scott on Feb 6, 2019 22:24:08 GMT
A man who recognizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is married.
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Post by scott on Feb 8, 2019 15:17:10 GMT
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
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Post by scott on Feb 11, 2019 13:06:08 GMT
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
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Post by scott on Feb 13, 2019 22:44:28 GMT
If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor that's the bear minimum.
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Post by scott on Feb 15, 2019 16:25:36 GMT
I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language. We were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn’t remember what that character was called so I sign to her, “What’s that character’s name?”
“Edward,” says her hands.
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Post by scott on Feb 17, 2019 14:01:29 GMT
Groaner of the week.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...
Just in case there is a salad dressing .
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