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Post by scott on Jan 6, 2019 20:37:58 GMT
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Baloney! He just told me he's been working on a tunnel for months!"
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Post by scott on Jan 8, 2019 22:50:55 GMT
I hate engineering students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.
You don't hear a math student say "I'm a mathematician" or an art student say "I'm a barista".
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Post by scott on Jan 9, 2019 16:56:38 GMT
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
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Post by scott on Jan 10, 2019 13:38:56 GMT
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.
The man, "Well, Charley?"
Charley lifts his paw.
The man, "Charley, come on, say something."
Charley barks once.
The man, "Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English."
Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous.
Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley.
After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly, "Why did you do that?"
Charlie says, "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
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Post by scott on Jan 12, 2019 14:58:15 GMT
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
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Post by scott on Jan 13, 2019 15:56:35 GMT
I got a dog from the blacksmith the other day...
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 13, 2019 16:36:48 GMT
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 13, 2019 16:44:34 GMT
A Couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and the wife was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 40 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
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Post by scott on Jan 14, 2019 14:21:20 GMT
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday...
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
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Post by scott on Jan 15, 2019 17:18:13 GMT
Groaner of the month.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 16, 2019 2:58:45 GMT
A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays perfume all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
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Post by scott on Jan 17, 2019 18:22:56 GMT
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 17, 2019 18:28:37 GMT
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Post by scott on Jan 18, 2019 23:12:05 GMT
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
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Post by scott on Jan 20, 2019 12:50:59 GMT
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"
"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "
"Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all," says the patient.
"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Local Church, you know, Witness Lee's group. Go to every meeting, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"
"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest 6 months you've ever had."
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