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Post by scott on Dec 22, 2018 13:23:12 GMT
A Roman walks into a bar....
and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" The bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 22, 2018 14:59:33 GMT
After the church service, eight year old Lee said to the preacher: 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.'
'Well, thank you, 'the preacher replied, 'but why?'
'Because my father says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'
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Post by scott on Dec 23, 2018 17:13:02 GMT
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.
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Post by scott on Dec 25, 2018 13:49:46 GMT
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, social justice warriors can't change anything.
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Post by scott on Dec 26, 2018 16:25:24 GMT
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case.
Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?"
The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
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Post by scott on Dec 27, 2018 21:55:04 GMT
I could make a watch that was long enough to wear as a belt
But that would be a waist of time.
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Post by scott on Dec 28, 2018 16:35:30 GMT
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
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Post by scott on Dec 29, 2018 21:26:43 GMT
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us," the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
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Post by scott on Dec 30, 2018 15:01:33 GMT
My worst job was at an unemployment office. When they fired me I still had to show up the next day.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Dec 30, 2018 17:23:44 GMT
My worst job was at an unemployment office. When they fired me I still had to show up the next day.
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Post by scott on Dec 31, 2018 18:04:40 GMT
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.”
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
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Post by scott on Jan 2, 2019 20:17:31 GMT
First groaner of the new year.
What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite type of rock?
Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
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Post by scott on Jan 3, 2019 13:44:31 GMT
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut up and make my coffee."
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Post by scott on Jan 4, 2019 13:40:13 GMT
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
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Post by scott on Jan 5, 2019 12:59:33 GMT
A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
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