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Post by scott on Jun 15, 2021 17:12:36 GMT
Don't underestimate the kids. One made by a seven year old.
What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mushrooms!
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Post by scott on Jun 17, 2021 19:04:12 GMT
I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.
Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
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Post by scott on Jun 19, 2021 23:52:56 GMT
After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.
“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”
Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.
DONE! You are the owner of one of the most luxurious estates in the world with the greatest staff who you will get on with wonderfully, to be sure..... and your ex is in possession of two such mansions, one for summer and one for winter
Ok, well if I’m to be smart about this there will be house taxes and wages to pay and repairs to take care of eventually, I’d like to not have to worry about cash flow, so I’d like to wish for 100 million dollars
DONE! Your bank account has 100 million dollars and your ex’s account 200 million!
Thinking for a moment not wanting to hastily waste the final wish... pacing around the attic, finally a light appears in their eyes...genie for my final wish.... I wish for you to scare me half to death!
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Post by scott on Jun 29, 2021 15:30:24 GMT
One for the kids...
How do you fix a broken Jack-O'-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jul 8, 2021 16:47:06 GMT
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jul 23, 2021 20:01:09 GMT
A guy walks into a Mom & Pop store and spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of the Dog”
Just as he got inside, he sees a harmless old hound, fast asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” He asks the owner.
“That’s him.” The owner replied.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jul 28, 2021 22:32:13 GMT
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 francs. In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 francs. The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 francs. Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 francs. This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said, “Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.” In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, “Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”
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Post by scott on Aug 3, 2021 23:55:56 GMT
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 4, 2021 0:11:14 GMT
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 4, 2021 15:12:18 GMT
I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 22, 2021 15:32:21 GMT
Patient: "Doctor, should I get the Covid 19 vaccination?"
Doctor: "How should I know? I'm not a politician!"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 11, 2021 10:46:58 GMT
Q: Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide.
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Post by barb43 on Jan 9, 2022 17:11:20 GMT
Mary: What's the deal with your uncle? He's running around shouting, "Deep hole full of water!"
Jerry: He's odd but he means well.
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Post by barb43 on Jan 11, 2022 16:24:20 GMT
Betty: What makes a man age?
Freddy: A manager.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Jan 12, 2022 4:34:55 GMT
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.
“I know,” she said “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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