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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 21, 2020 11:25:28 GMT
Paranoia about Covid-19 has reached absurd levels…
I just sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan…
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Post by scott on Oct 23, 2020 22:20:39 GMT
A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"
The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our hero days."
The Russian customs officer was a bit shamed and let him go without further inspection.
At Tel Aviv airport, the customs officer also asks our friend, "What is this?"
He replies, "What is this? Wrong question Sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, a fiend that made me, a Jew, leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize Sir, you can go on."
In Israel, when he arrives at his new house, he puts the statue on a table.
To celebrate his immigration, he invite his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asks him, "Who is this?"
He replies, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without customs and tax."
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Post by scott on Oct 25, 2020 17:48:01 GMT
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
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Post by scott on Oct 28, 2020 15:01:04 GMT
People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 5, 2020 18:07:55 GMT
This morning on the classical music radio station, the host introduced a piece of music as Mozart’s Thirty-Second Symphony.
I’ve gotta tell him, it was way longer than that.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 7, 2020 20:18:35 GMT
One of my neighbors owns several cats.
On a recent visit, she introduced them to me: "That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue."
“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.
“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 9, 2020 11:26:18 GMT
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!". After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!" His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!" Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push" .
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Post by scott on Nov 9, 2020 16:44:27 GMT
Boy, I Had it Tough!, "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had.".
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Post by scott on Nov 10, 2020 21:54:36 GMT
Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.
"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expensive, so we could only get you the lures and bait. We'll get you the poles for your birthday."
Poor little Timmy was devastated, as he'd never even fished before in his life. He sadly opened the tackle box, but to his surprise, there was a Nintendo Switch inside! He had been completely fooled! Both Timmy and his parents laughed.
They had gotten him with the old "Bait and Switch" tactic.
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Post by scott on Nov 12, 2020 16:09:48 GMT
I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.
My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Nov 19, 2020 16:27:37 GMT
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Post by scott on Nov 20, 2020 22:48:29 GMT
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
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Post by scott on Nov 24, 2020 22:14:40 GMT
Why do French people always eat small omelettes?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
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Post by scott on Nov 25, 2020 17:12:57 GMT
I hope this isn't pushing the boundaries too far.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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Post by scott on Nov 29, 2020 19:04:34 GMT
A bit long but funny.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
"Oh, really! What did he say?”
He said, "Who screwed up your hairdo?
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