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Post by scott on Sept 23, 2020 20:17:27 GMT
Groaner ahead...
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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Post by scott on Sept 25, 2020 14:55:47 GMT
So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"
I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him. The applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "
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Post by scott on Sept 26, 2020 21:16:53 GMT
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband says, "And he's still celebrating!"
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Post by scott on Sept 28, 2020 17:19:16 GMT
I always say beaucoup to french people
It means a lot to them
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Post by scott on Sept 30, 2020 14:45:29 GMT
Two babies, both dressed in frocks (as used to happen), were arguing about which of them was a boy, and which was a girl.
“I’m a boy, and you’re a girl.”
“No, I’m a boy, and you’re a girl.”
This went on for a bit, until finally the boy baby beckoned the girl baby closer. He said, “You know how I know I’m the boy?”
The girl baby said, “No, how do you know?”
The boy baby lifted his frock and said, “Look at this. Blue booties.”
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Post by scott on Oct 1, 2020 22:11:54 GMT
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes...
Nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 2, 2020 21:15:48 GMT
It was mealtime on an airplane and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
“What are my choices?” the passenger asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
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Post by scott on Oct 3, 2020 22:08:26 GMT
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan begins by giving him a tour. In the first room, he sees people suffering. “Who are those?” he asks. “Those are Muslims who ate pork,” says Satan.
The next room is even worse. “Who are those unfortunate souls?” he asks.
“Oh, those are Jews who didn’t keep the Sabbath” is the reply.
But the third room is the absolute worst. The people there are being tortured beyond belief.
A long, hushed silence occurs. Finally, Satan breaks it. “They’re Episcopalians who didn’t use their salad forks.”
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Post by scott on Oct 4, 2020 17:22:00 GMT
It helps if you are familiar with reddit.com for this one.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”
The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.
“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.
The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.
The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”
The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.
“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
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Post by scott on Oct 5, 2020 15:09:45 GMT
Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, Father, it's me, Sister Philomena!!
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Post by scott on Oct 6, 2020 13:18:18 GMT
A short poem:
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
I mean, it's not a beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.
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Post by scott on Oct 10, 2020 14:52:16 GMT
A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...
While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture
Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, the woman assembles the wardrobe again, making sure she follows the instructions exactly. When she finishes all looks perfect, but a few minutes later a bus passes, and again the wardrobe falls to pieces!
At this point the woman has had enough, and calls customer support to explain the wardrobe she bought collapsed whenever a bus passed. The man on the other end insists that they provide any service necessary for the proper installation of their furniture, and sends over the very carpenter who designed the wardrobe to help. The carpenter watches as the woman assembles, seemingly perfectly, the wardrobe. And yet, as the next bus passes it falls to pieces again!
Determined to figure out the issue, the carpenter helps her rebuild the wardrobe and enters inside to see exactly what happens when a bus passes. Suddenly the woman's husband bursts through the front door, demanding to know why the neighbors had texted him saying a strange man had been in their house for hours.
Surging through the house he throws open doors, until he comes across the new wardrobe. He opens the wardrobe to reveal the carpenter inside, and demands to knows what he was doing there. Shocked, the carpenter says:
"Would you believe me if I said I'm waiting for the bus?"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 10, 2020 16:48:22 GMT
A family had returned home from picking wild mushrooms. They cooked them up and ate some, then got tired of them and served the remainder to their cat. The cat ate them, and immediately started having convulsions. The father called the vet and explained what happened. The vet said, “Forget the cat! You get yourselves to the hospital, at once!”
So, the family went to the hospital, and they all had their stomachs pumped. NOT a pleasant experience!
When they returned home, they found their cat very much alive, with a brand new litter of kittens.
OOPS!
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Post by scott on Oct 14, 2020 22:59:15 GMT
Groaner...
Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs
While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords. Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Oct 20, 2020 0:16:38 GMT
Knock knock. Who’s there? Hatch. Hatch who? Gesundheit.
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