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Post by scott on Aug 15, 2020 18:00:35 GMT
A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.
"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.
"Sure am." he replies.
"You know it's a sin right?"
"I'm an atheist."
"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.
"I'm an orphan."
"Well... You know it's bad for your health right?"
"I guess? Look, what's your problem with alcohol?" he asks, "Have you ever even had a drink yourself?"
"No of course not!" she replies.
"Okay, how about this. I'll bring you out a drink, if you drink it and tell me you hate it, I won't drink for the rest of the night, yeah? So, what will you have?"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, okay. I suppose on balance it's for the greater good. I suppose I'll have whatever ladies normally drink. Gin, I suppose? -but, could you bring it out in a cup, so I can be discrete?"
"Yeah, fine, whatever." He walks by the nun and enters the pub. He approaches the barman and says "Can I please get a pint of bitter and a double gin, but in a cup rather than a glass please?"
The barman sighs, rolls his eyes and says "Is that nun out there again??"
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Post by scott on Aug 16, 2020 23:01:56 GMT
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”
“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, “Then why the hell are you celebrating?”
“I’ve just completed my PhD in archaeology!”
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 17, 2020 20:16:25 GMT
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 17, 2020 20:18:43 GMT
A boy walks towards the ice cream man and asks: “do you have pea-flavored ice cream?” “No” “oh ok”
The next day the boy comes up and asks: “Do you have pea-flavored ice cream now?” “No”
Every day for 3 months the boy comes up asking for pea flavored ice cream , the ice cream man gets mad and buys a bunch of peas to make the ice cream, the next day the kid comes up and asks: “do you have pea-flavored ice cream?” “Yes I do, do you want some?” “eeeeeeewwwww no way, that’s gross”
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Post by scott on Aug 19, 2020 13:48:53 GMT
Told by a 5 year old.
What do you call a pineapple with no yellow part?
A cactus.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 20, 2020 18:30:19 GMT
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
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Post by scott on Aug 22, 2020 13:59:21 GMT
A worst case scenario...
When you’re picking up your bags at the airport and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.
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Post by scott on Aug 23, 2020 12:59:12 GMT
One for the high-schoolers...
What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
"Imagination"
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 24, 2020 18:06:55 GMT
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 25, 2020 15:33:36 GMT
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 27, 2020 11:27:48 GMT
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Post by M. Hawbaker on Aug 29, 2020 11:44:49 GMT
Did you hear about the terrorist who took over the courthouse and held everyone hostage?
He threatened to release a lawyer back into society every hour until his demands were met.
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Post by scott on Aug 29, 2020 20:09:49 GMT
Genuine joke from Russia...
A tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.
Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.
Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!
Cop: I don't care.
Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you can't do this!
Cop: Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian.
Tourist: But I don't know any Russian!
Cop: Not my problem.
The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car. In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the paper and hands it to the cop.
Cop: I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian!
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Post by scott on Sept 2, 2020 13:44:54 GMT
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
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Post by warriorchild on Sept 2, 2020 14:31:31 GMT
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’ I laughed so good when I read this & So did my DH as this hit close to home with us lol Thank you
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